Journal Entry...August 16, 2004
August 16, 2004
It's a rainy Monday and my tears are flowing as quickly as mother nature releases her tears to the earth. I try to grasp for hope, but read the statistics that scare me ever time I try to learn more about this nasty disease. 3-5 years survival rates for advanced stages are frightening figures for someone combating this disease. It's been a little over two weeks since I began my second-line treatment for a recurrence. For me, recurrence sounds more scary, like a nagging itch that just won't go away, regardless how often you soothe the discomfort with cremes.
The last few months I have been more upbeat than not, even as my CA-125 numbers continued to rise. I have truly felt a sense of happiness, not only to help me along with my recovery, but from a true sense of the word. I have felt hope. I am grateful for J. He has been my lifeline and keeps me on a positive progression.
My depression not only comes from the uncertainty of things. I have to live with the words from doctors saying we're not sure this new therapy is going to work. A real challenge. But it also comes from the turn my life took before my illness was diagnosed, not to mention a diagnosis coming on the coattails of my mom's condition that would lead to a most desperate loss. Being out of work for 2-1/2 years had taken its toll on my sense of hope as I struggled to pick myself up and brush myself off after rejection after rejection. I have sent out very few resumes since my recurrence became a topic.
I am happy for the world spinning around me, but I can't understand why I can't stay in the race. People around me have lives that change with new opportunities, but my feet seem to be stuck in the mud. And because of the disappointments I've suffered because of my mom and the job scene, it becomes difficult to grasp a sense that things will take a turn for the best. I keep going by the thought that maybe I'm really taking a turn for the better, but it's just a major curve to navigate. I am thankful that for the most part I am feeling well with minimal side effects from the chemo… a bit of nausea and fatigue after this second round. But I am happy to say the day after my second treatment I was doing my pilates and yoga.
I just want to get some momentum and meaning in my life. I want to work and feel productive, but for now, there really aren't any appropriate jobs… and I fear the age discrimination issue I so blatantly faced with Kraft and Colangelo. Interestingly, how things came to a dead halt after they asked me my birthday. Those jobs weren't right for me, but I would love to contribute my skills to a small company who could benefit from my communications skills. I want to march to the beat that most working Americans do every day. Staying at home is a drag and through the years I have kept the momentum going with exercise, art classes, and excessive shopping at times has just led to more anxiety.
I've got to grasp for hope. Live strong as Lance Armstrong advocates. And I have to fight back and not accept the statistics.
It's a rainy Monday and my tears are flowing as quickly as mother nature releases her tears to the earth. I try to grasp for hope, but read the statistics that scare me ever time I try to learn more about this nasty disease. 3-5 years survival rates for advanced stages are frightening figures for someone combating this disease. It's been a little over two weeks since I began my second-line treatment for a recurrence. For me, recurrence sounds more scary, like a nagging itch that just won't go away, regardless how often you soothe the discomfort with cremes.
The last few months I have been more upbeat than not, even as my CA-125 numbers continued to rise. I have truly felt a sense of happiness, not only to help me along with my recovery, but from a true sense of the word. I have felt hope. I am grateful for J. He has been my lifeline and keeps me on a positive progression.
My depression not only comes from the uncertainty of things. I have to live with the words from doctors saying we're not sure this new therapy is going to work. A real challenge. But it also comes from the turn my life took before my illness was diagnosed, not to mention a diagnosis coming on the coattails of my mom's condition that would lead to a most desperate loss. Being out of work for 2-1/2 years had taken its toll on my sense of hope as I struggled to pick myself up and brush myself off after rejection after rejection. I have sent out very few resumes since my recurrence became a topic.
I am happy for the world spinning around me, but I can't understand why I can't stay in the race. People around me have lives that change with new opportunities, but my feet seem to be stuck in the mud. And because of the disappointments I've suffered because of my mom and the job scene, it becomes difficult to grasp a sense that things will take a turn for the best. I keep going by the thought that maybe I'm really taking a turn for the better, but it's just a major curve to navigate. I am thankful that for the most part I am feeling well with minimal side effects from the chemo… a bit of nausea and fatigue after this second round. But I am happy to say the day after my second treatment I was doing my pilates and yoga.
I just want to get some momentum and meaning in my life. I want to work and feel productive, but for now, there really aren't any appropriate jobs… and I fear the age discrimination issue I so blatantly faced with Kraft and Colangelo. Interestingly, how things came to a dead halt after they asked me my birthday. Those jobs weren't right for me, but I would love to contribute my skills to a small company who could benefit from my communications skills. I want to march to the beat that most working Americans do every day. Staying at home is a drag and through the years I have kept the momentum going with exercise, art classes, and excessive shopping at times has just led to more anxiety.
I've got to grasp for hope. Live strong as Lance Armstrong advocates. And I have to fight back and not accept the statistics.
posted by Jacques at 11:46 PM
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